Blogging · Personal

My hijrah journey

I was lost like a desert area with my mom. I told her that I want to change, and I want to don hijab. I would like to learn more about my religion. But then something happened.

I couldn’t find dad and my brother. In fact, there were only little kids and women (mothers and old women), running around – some were asking for help and young girls were trying to find men, in whatsoever ways to earn some cash.

I saw an Imam and approached him. Asked him, where did all the men go? I was in disbelief when he told me most men have gone to war. Again, I asked “What war?

“The end is here.” I stood in silent. I told Imam I’d like to seek forgiveness, I want to repent.

Felt like we were back in neolithic era. No smartphones, no tv. Not even a bloody car. I didn’t know how to contact my dad. I stopped a lady from running and asked why is it almost all young girls are doing prostitution, gambling & etc?

“What is there to lose? Everyone is going to hell anyway. Might as well sin.”

And I heard sangkakala…

I woke up with tears, rolling on my cheeks. I looked around my bed, finding my phone.

Every single day I sujud and pray to Allah, asking for forgiveness and each time I pray, I ask for a sign, a hidayah for me to open up and hijrah to be a better muslimah.

My heart felt a little bit heavy at first. I mean, what if I couldn’t find any acting job anymore because I’ve donned hijab? What if my then boyfriend decided to leave me? What will society think about me?

Few weeks before my engagement, on our way out to find rings, I told him about my dream. I asked for his opinion bout me donning hijab. “If you’re not ready, then don’t force yourself. But, learn. Slowly. And you’ll adapt to it.”

I wasn’t quite sure either if it was a good idea to just don on my engagement day. True what my friends say “do it slowly.

Though there are times I feel like giving up, today marks one month of me donning hijab. I mean, up till now I question myself about the dream, “Is that the sign from God? Or is it just another bad dream?”

But that dream changed my life. Change the way I pray, the way I see rizq and everything. That dream somehow has shifted me to be a better person. InsyaAllah, I am learning to be a better muslimah too. Not to mention, my heart is at ease, to know Allah hears my prayers, hears me, even in sleep.

وَقُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنَاتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا ۖ وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَىٰ جُيُوبِهِنَّ ۖ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا لِبُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَائِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَائِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي أَخَوَاتِهِنَّ أَوْ نِسَائِهِنَّ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُنَّ أَوِ التَّابِعِينَ غَيْرِ أُولِي الْإِرْبَةِ مِنَ الرِّجَالِ أَوِ الطِّفْلِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يَظْهَرُوا عَلَىٰ عَوْرَاتِ النِّسَاءِ ۖ وَلَا يَضْرِبْنَ بِأَرْجُلِهِنَّ لِيُعْلَمَ مَا يُخْفِينَ مِن زِينَتِهِنَّ ۚ وَتُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ جَمِيعًا أَيُّهَ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ – 24:31

And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their brothers, their brothers’ sons, their sisters’ sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. And let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed. [An Nur: 24-31]

Blogging · Personal · Vacation

Hijrah and reborn.

I am rewriting my Umrah trip. Not because I missed a few points. Nope.
Because, I feel much more contented and better now.

My life changed ever since my Umrah journey started on December 2, 2017. I felt petrified and overwhelmed at the same time. I had so many things on my mind; like… what did I do to deserve this?

Months before the day of my departure, I gave lame excuses to my parents. It took them at least 8 months to plan ahead for everything. Or maybe more, I don’t know.

Like others, I told myself “I don’t deserve this. I am a sinner.” But Lord is Merciful, He loves his أمة‎ (ummah). According to my ustaz, “He chooses you. He chose you for a reason. You may think someone else deserves this, but He wants you to be there for a reason.” That’s where I realized – I should be thankful.

I was surrounded with mixed feelings and emotions. I asked and told my closest friends, “What if I can’t do it? I’ve never prayed, will God forgive me? Will God give me a second chance?” & etc.

Two months beforehand, I self-studied how to pray. Started from the bottom.

I was lost in my own religion. I wanted to give up. I did not know what to do. I wandered about life a lot.

The day arrived. Friends and relatives all came down to send my mom, dad and me. We were supposed to take off at 4.35 pm but things happened. Our flight got delayed. 7 hours later, we flew off.

We reached Jeddah safely and I had butt sore from sitting in the plane and bus for more than 16 hours. We chose Afandi Travel to make this worship journey happen.

We had our stay at Leader Al-Muna Kareem Hotel in Madinah. It is 5 minutes walking distance away to Masjid Nabawi. My heart pounded real fast.

Is this really happening? Is Nabawi really in front of me? Am I dreaming?

When I first stepped my right foot at gate 26 Nabawi, I had tears of joy rolling out from my eyes. I was surrounded with peace, birds chirping here and there, beautiful voices from people reading the Koran and of course, beautiful windy weather.

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That night, I got to visit Ar-Rawdah with my dad’s wife and her relatives. Such a wonderful place to be. They say أخضر‎ is green, and so is Rawdah.

My days in Madinah was amazing. We got to visit Green Dome, Jabal Uhud, Masjid Quba’, Masjid Qiblatain, Shuhada’ Uhud and a few other places. But due to the cold weather, I fell sick and caught fever on my second day of ibadah.

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6th December; the day where I was feeling extra nervous and excited at the same time. I was so nervous that I actually slept the whole entire journey to Mecca.

We reached Mecca almost 11 pm. Quickly had my dinner and then, my journey of hijrah began.

Unbelievable. Astonished. Indescribable.
Those were the words that I had in my mind when I saw Kaabah.

My heart pounded real fast that I thought I was gonna get asthma attack. I cried while tawaf. I couldn’t believe the big black box in front of me is Kaabah.

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Tears of joy, tears of forgiveness.

I hugged my mom so tight. I couldn’t express or tell how sinful I was back then. I wondered why was I been given a second chance?

26 years (2017) of living, I finally found myself. God is real and so is everything on this earth. I felt so peaceful and my mind was as clear as the ocean.

For all this time, I have always asked God to lead me to the right path, show some guidance though I didn’t sujud at Him before my Umrah journey.

And He did.

I was so excited to perform my prayers at Al-Haram Mosque. Mom and I did our prayers at Tower 2 (if I’m not mistaken). And usually after Isyak, we would hang out at Zam Zam to either eat supper or just walk around.

Indeed, God is real and He is Merciful. I was prepared for new changes but I did not expect it to happen real quick.
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When I was at Tower 2, I kinda challenged God. Within minutes, I gotten my answers. Like I said, I was prepared but did not expect it to happen real quick.

I accepted my fate.
But at least I got my parents back. We’re back as one.

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My journey in Mecca didn’t end there. We visited Jabal Rahmah and Mount Arafat too!

I actually prayed for my love life at Jabal Rahmah hehehe.
When I was there, I knew I had to leave my past behind and start a fresh. Slowly but surely.

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our last subuh at mecca

Before we end our journey, we went back for tawaf wada’ and this time around, I wish don’t have to go back home. A part of me just wanna live in Mecca because it is so peaceful there.

And you know what’s more incredible besides this whole journey? Right after I landed back in Singapore, I wasn’t feeling sick anymore. My cough and fever disappeared.

POOF!

And my life has changed ever since then. My appearance may have changed but my personality remains the same.

I am like a reborn child; that my new journey starts at the age of 27.

As I slowly crawling searching for answers, I too, never stop looking for Him.
And as days go by, minutes turn to hours; many things have been happening to me lately; which I will break them all soon enough. (I just need to find more time to blog!)

I can never thank God for giving me a second chance to breathe. And also for making a few of the things I prayed before, came true.

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The power of prayers is real.