Blogging · Personal

My hijrah journey

I was lost like a desert area with my mom. I told her that I want to change, and I want to don hijab. I would like to learn more about my religion. But then something happened.

I couldn’t find dad and my brother. In fact, there were only little kids and women (mothers and old women), running around – some were asking for help and young girls were trying to find men, in whatsoever ways to earn some cash.

I saw an Imam and approached him. Asked him, where did all the men go? I was in disbelief when he told me most men have gone to war. Again, I asked “What war?

“The end is here.” I stood in silent. I told Imam I’d like to seek forgiveness, I want to repent.

Felt like we were back in neolithic era. No smartphones, no tv. Not even a bloody car. I didn’t know how to contact my dad. I stopped a lady from running and asked why is it almost all young girls are doing prostitution, gambling & etc?

“What is there to lose? Everyone is going to hell anyway. Might as well sin.”

And I heard sangkakala…

I woke up with tears, rolling on my cheeks. I looked around my bed, finding my phone.

Every single day I sujud and pray to Allah, asking for forgiveness and each time I pray, I ask for a sign, a hidayah for me to open up and hijrah to be a better muslimah.

My heart felt a little bit heavy at first. I mean, what if I couldn’t find any acting job anymore because I’ve donned hijab? What if my then boyfriend decided to leave me? What will society think about me?

Few weeks before my engagement, on our way out to find rings, I told him about my dream. I asked for his opinion bout me donning hijab. “If you’re not ready, then don’t force yourself. But, learn. Slowly. And you’ll adapt to it.”

I wasn’t quite sure either if it was a good idea to just don on my engagement day. True what my friends say “do it slowly.

Though there are times I feel like giving up, today marks one month of me donning hijab. I mean, up till now I question myself about the dream, “Is that the sign from God? Or is it just another bad dream?”

But that dream changed my life. Change the way I pray, the way I see rizq and everything. That dream somehow has shifted me to be a better person. InsyaAllah, I am learning to be a better muslimah too. Not to mention, my heart is at ease, to know Allah hears my prayers, hears me, even in sleep.

وَقُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنَاتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا ۖ وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَىٰ جُيُوبِهِنَّ ۖ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا لِبُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَائِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَائِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي أَخَوَاتِهِنَّ أَوْ نِسَائِهِنَّ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُنَّ أَوِ التَّابِعِينَ غَيْرِ أُولِي الْإِرْبَةِ مِنَ الرِّجَالِ أَوِ الطِّفْلِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يَظْهَرُوا عَلَىٰ عَوْرَاتِ النِّسَاءِ ۖ وَلَا يَضْرِبْنَ بِأَرْجُلِهِنَّ لِيُعْلَمَ مَا يُخْفِينَ مِن زِينَتِهِنَّ ۚ وَتُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ جَمِيعًا أَيُّهَ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ – 24:31

And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands’ fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their brothers, their brothers’ sons, their sisters’ sons, their women, that which their right hands possess, or those male attendants having no physical desire, or children who are not yet aware of the private aspects of women. And let them not stamp their feet to make known what they conceal of their adornment. And turn to Allah in repentance, all of you, O believers, that you might succeed. [An Nur: 24-31]

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